Keep Going! Instilling Resilience In Our Children

I’ve been struggling to write this final blog in my “WIRED FOR SUCCESS” series - not because I’ve run out of things to say about executive function, but because I’m having so much fun keeping up with the research and sharing my thoughts, I didn’t want it to end! And if I’m being honest, I was also wrestling a bit with my own ability to persevere. 

You see, I’m coming up on one of those “milestone birthdays,” and it stirred up all kinds of thoughts and feelings. My own self-regulation got a little shaky - and with that, my productivity. 

Until yesterday, that is. 

I was walking my dog in the early morning hours, enjoying the sunshine, when I spotted a dad and his young son out for a jog. The dad was ahead, jogging slowly. The boy, clearly winded and lagging behind, stopped in his tracks - until the dad turned around, raised his arms, and shouted: “Come on…YOU can do it!” That was all it took. The boy lit up, pushed forward, and finished strong. The high five and proud pat on the back from his dad said it all.  

That small moment not only left me smiling, it stuck with me — because it was a simple, powerful example of resilience in action. That boy was tired, uncomfortable, maybe even ready to give up. But with just the right encouragement, he pushed through. 

That’s what resilience is: the ability to bounce back from difficulty, to keep going when things get hard.

What pushes you to persevere? Can you recall moments of encouragement from someone that helped you stay the course? And, as parents, how can we be that voice of encouragement for our children when things feel challenging for them? 

Here’s the good news: resilience is a skill. And like all executive function skills, it can be nurtured and strengthened at home. Below are a few of my favorite ways to help build resilience—little things that can make a big difference.

Model the Skill.  Yes, it may mean exposing some of our own faults or vulnerabilities but when children witness us self correct and self regulate, we’ve not only shown them that everyone experiences mishaps and that it’s okay. What matters is how we respond and regroup.

For example, perhaps you were planning a special dinner with the grandparents and the cake you made from scratch came out of the oven, a disaster!!!! Instead of falling apart, you might say, “Ugh, I’m so frustrated - but hey, let’s find something else for dessert!” That moment teaches more than a recipe for a perfectly baked cake ever could. 

A Little Bragging Goes A Long Way - Our children may not always admit how much they care about what we think, but trust me, they do.  One trick of the trade? Talk about their successes when they’re within earshot. 

For example, while chatting on the phone with Aunt Sally, you might say “Oh, did I tell you what Johnny did the other day? Even though science isn’t his favorite subject, he went to extra help the other day to prepare for an upcoming test! Isn’t that amazing? I was so proud of him!! 

And just like them, we gave them a well deserved compliment and confidence boost!

Be a resource, not a Solution - When children know they can do hard things, it’s empowering and down right satisfying! 

It’s so tempting to swoop in and solve problems for our children -yet, when it’s appropriate, to serve as their cheerleader instead of their closer, we are giving them the chance to experience the power of their own perseverance. Whether it’s sitting nearby while they tackle a tough assignment,  cheering from the sidelines at a game they’re nervous about, listening patiently as they rehearse their lines for the school play or encouraging them to talk with a teacher about joining a club, you are staying present and supportive - but not taking over - and helping them develop the skills to push through.

Name It to Tame It: Being resilient doesn’t mean ignoring feelings - it means knowing how to handle them. 

The more we teach our children how to identify and regulate their emotions, the better equipped they will be to face future challenges. For example, you might say something like “You seem really disappointed right now.”, and offer simple coping tools like deep breathing, stretching or taking a break to cool off. 

Why is it easier for some people to bounce back faster than others? Of course, that’s a loaded question and there are many factors that go into one's ability to persevere. But the good news is that resilience is a skill, and like all executive function skills, it can be nurtured and strengthened. And as parents, we play a huge role in building that foundation for our children. 

But here’s the encouraging truth: resilience is not something you're born with or without—it’s something that can be practiced and strengthened over time.

So whether it’s a high five or a pep talk over a botched cake, every little moment counts. Keep modeling, keep encouraging, and keep showing your kids that they can do hard things.