Flex It: Instilling Cognitive Flexibility In Our Children

Cognitive flexibility is a key component of our brain’s command center (aka our executive function) and has 3 very specific jobs. Having strong cognitive flexibility is so important because it's what allows us to adapt when things don’t go as planned. I’m not sure about you, but there isn’t a day that goes by when “life doesn’t throw me a curveball”! How well I pivot from any given circumstance, usually will determine how the rest of the day unfolds. 

This skill helps us shift our thinking, manage frustration, and solve problems on the fly. I bet you are using cognitive flexibility throughout your day, you just don’t think about it. 

It’s what makes it possible to move from one activity to another with less distress, like wrapping up a work call and immediately shifting gears to help your child with homework, even though your brain is still in “business mode.” 

Cognitive flexibility also supports learning new ways of doing things—like figuring out how to use a new app for school sign-ups when the old system suddenly disappears (and no one gives you a heads-up)! 

And it’s what helps us see situations from another person’s point of view—like recognizing that your child isn’t being “difficult” at bedtime, they’re just overtired and struggling to wind down. 

It isn’t easy to always manage - with poise, grace and success -all of the demands we face on a daily basis. I’m sure you’d agree that some days go more smoothly than others when it comes to handling transitions, disruptions, and compromises. Now imagine how much harder it might be for a younger person—who doesn’t yet have the life experience or the well-developed cognitive flexibility we rely on every day, to handle their transitions, disruptions and compromises!

Like any skill, cognitive flexibility can be strengthened with practice—and the home is a great place to start. As a parent, you can support your child’s flexible thinking in everyday moments, whether during playtime, routines, or problem-solving situations. With a few intentional strategies, you can help your child become more adaptable, resilient, and open to new perspectives.

1. Easing Transitions Between Activities

Transitions can be hard, especially when kids are deeply focused on something or switching between very different types of tasks (e.g., from social media to homework). Cognitive flexibility helps them make that shift without becoming overwhelmed, frustrated, or avoidant.

Strategies:

• Use “Soft Start” Warnings: Give a 5–10 minute heads-up before a transition. Use language like, “In 10 minutes, you’ll need to wrap up and switch to your homework.” This creates mental space for the shift.
  
  

• Build Transition Rituals: Encourage short, consistent habits to bridge activities — such as stretching, grabbing a glass of water, or doing a few deep breaths before moving from one task to another.
  
  

• Practice “If-Then” Thinking: Help your child mentally prepare for transitions with statements like: “If I’m still in the middle of a game, then I’ll save my progress and plan to return later.”
  
  

• Model Mental Shifting: Narrate your own transitions aloud: “I really want to watch this show but I’ve got to get to bed or I’m never going to get up in time for work! I’m going to tape it and watch it tomorrow.”
  
  

2. Understanding Other People’s Perspectives

Seeing situations through someone else’s eyes strengthens empathy, communication, and conflict resolution — all grounded in cognitive flexibility.

Strategies:

• Play “What Might They Be Thinking?”: Use TV shows, movies, or real-life situations to pause and ask: “What do you think that character/person is feeling right now? Why?” or “How would you have handled that situation?”

• Discuss Emotional Triggers: When your child is upset about a disagreement, walk through what the other person might have been feeling or intending. Validate their emotions, but also stretch their view.

• Praise Flexibility When You See It: Reinforce moments when your child shows openness to others' opinions or compromise, saying things like, “That was a really thoughtful way to consider their side.”
  
  

3.  Welcome Alternative Solutions

Have you ever gone to a meeting or workshop where the presenter was covering a topic you already felt confident about? Maybe you thought, "I already know this," and mentally tuned out, sticking to your own methods. That’s an example of cognitive bias — and we’re all guilty of it from time to time.

Adolescents and young adults often show similar thinking. They may get stuck in black-and-white ideas or assume there's only one “right” way to solve a problem — usually their own. Helping them pause and consider alternatives encourages more flexible, open-minded thinking and breaks the cycle of rigid thought patterns.

Strategies:

• Debunk “Always/Never” Thinking: Gently point out absolute language and offer reframes. For example: “You said ‘I’ll never understand chemistry.’ What would it sound like if we changed that to ‘I’m not getting it yet, but I have options for help’?”

• Use the “3 Solutions Rule”: When your child is stuck on a problem (academic, social, or personal), challenge them to come up with three different ways to solve it. Even silly or far-fetched ideas count — the goal is flexibility, not perfection.

• Praise Process Over Outcome: Reinforce curiosity and exploration: “I liked how you brainstormed different ways to handle that — even though one didn’t work, trying multiple strategies shows strong problem-solving.”

• Thought provoking Games and Riddles - On a recent road trip, I revisited a childhood        favorite — cloud watching. We’d compete to get others to “see” the images we imagined in the clouds. This kind of playful ambiguity strengthens a child’s ability to see multiple perspectives and interpretations. Similarly, riddles help stretch thinking beyond the obvious. One of my favorites: “What’s a boxer’s favorite drink?” (Answer: Fruit Punch!) The humor lies in unexpected associations — the very essence of flexible thinking.
  
  

Cognitive flexibility isn’t something that develops overnight — it’s a skill that grows with practice and patience. As parent’s, our role isn’t to fix every challenge, but to create an environment where flexible thinking is modeled, encouraged, and celebrated.

By incorporating these small but powerful strategies into daily life, you’ll be helping your child develop the mental agility they need for school, relationships, and beyond.